Arvo Pärt Centre Residency Diary - Part 4
APC Residency Diary - Part 4
In the centre there is an area where you can read parts of Arvo Pärt’s diaries, they appear in English and Estonian on pillars. When you move from pillar to pillar the excerpts will change, appear in different places, so it’s like an oracle room for me. You come with a question and will find an answer in Arvo’s words. There is a particular one which resonates a lot with me: „It is always a beautiful time when you are at an utter loss; when you seek from almost nothing. First of all, you must make yourself nothing. There must be silence. You must make peace with your powerlessness. And that which is then given is like a gift.“
I felt this way many times in my life. I needed to hit rock bottom in order to find that little door to something essential within myself. It’s an ongoing process of shedding layers. I grew up in an environment which had high expectations of myself which lead to an ongoing feeling of failure and worthlessness. Seven years ago I found someone who would guide me through my own darkness and provide me with tools to do much of the work myself. I became undefined, which is utter freedom.
When I started this journey seven years ago I was afraid to loose my „art“, not understanding it was trauma. Only when I was willing to give up everything and settle with having and being nothing, true creativity started emerging from an endless source within myself. And the game is simple - when I try to control it, I loose access. Flow comes when the ego is absent.
The APC provided me with a safe space to play, to experiment, to think and just be. I became obsessed with a new colour scheme, after three years of being in a blue phase. I accepted that I just prefer to work with small formats and Hahnemühle Torchon paper is my current comfort zone. That’s the status quo, who knows what will happen tomorrow.
